Monday, February 23, 2009

How to become a lumberjack.

lumberjacks in their natural habitat
I am frequently asked for advice on how to become a lumberjack. Truth be told, I am somewhat of an expert so I will share my knowledge with the world! Actually, I will go one better. Now only will you be a lumberjack after reading this post, you will be an indie lumberjack!!! Here I will define that for you:

indie lumberjack - noun - A badass man who gives jack shit about the environment and strives to make it worse. The indie lumberjack works for himself and listens to bands you have not heard of. Basically he is hipper than you will ever be.

"Look at that indie lumberjack in his flannel listening to of Montreal!"

Alright, now that we've got that out of the way, here is what you will need to do.

  1. Become large. I don't care if you are 5'5" and 110 lbs, if you want to be a lumberjack you need to be huge! Eat a lot, pump some iron. There will be pain, but a true lumberjack knows no pain. BE A BEAST.
  2. Wear flannel. Flannel is God's gift to man, the king of all fabrics. Flannel is to a lumberjack as Armani is to a metrosexual. Go to goodwill, buy some flannel (preferably red), and wear it with pride.
  3. Buy an axe. Don't be one of those posers who uses a chainsaw. Buy an axe for your deforestation.
  4. Listen to good music. This excludes rap, country, hip hop, Jack Johnson, you name it. Go to Last.fm or thesixtyone.com and discover some new music. Try of Montreal, Foals, the Beach Boys, it doesn't matter as long as it's not shit.
  5. GO KILL SOME PLANTS.

0 comments:

Post a Comment